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A lot of people like to brag about their drug use and etc. but honestly when you're there and in that moment it's not that great. When you can stand and say I've done "blah blah blah" or tripped "blah blah blah" it's just weird. To hear yourself say the words you might not of ever thought you would say, I mean it's not super heartwrenching or terrible it's just like wow. Life has a funny way of playing us all. You can blame your decision making or how things played out on your history but at the end of the day there are things only you can ever control and unless there is a gun held to the back of your head (which i mean come on, how often is that) then it's always your choice as to what you put your body, mind, and whatever interpretation of a soul you have. I've never been a man of great faith whether that be because I've just wanted to be different or because I really don't believe. Rants like this might seem like they go in circles but the biggest issues that need solving usually do, and that's why it drives people to the point of drastic things like suicide or leaving everything behind. That's kind of where I'm at, not the suicide, but rather just leaving and finding myself. I've let those older and wiser than myself rule most of my decisions in life and here I am at the precipice of my future, my life and I have no idea who the man in the mirror is. Because all I see is a scared boy who is still having trouble letting go of ancient history. It's almost 8 am and I'm writing this after a fairly fun night of drinking but that's what I'm trying to get at. This life where you party all the time and where you live in your moment and get fucked up that's not really what it's all about. "YOLO" right? Ha if you only knew. You really do only live once, and you DO have to live with being ate up once you're there. You do have to live with all the physical problems you get. You do have to relearn your thought process after doing things like mushrooms or acid. Look for anyone who's curious here's the straight truth. The first psychedelic I ever did was LSD. I thought it to be amazing but I wasn't so sure I wanted to do it, but once I was in it I loved it. It's hard to have foresight in situations like that where you're just so ready to live but don't even really know what that means. You may never of had big dreams of serving a military, or leaving the atmosphere of earth and seeing that endless dark, but having whole pathways of your life crossed out by a 2 centimeter by 2 centimeter cardboard tab seems a little crazy doesn't it. Shrooms were really great and partially helped me to find the realization of what I need to do for me as a man, but what people do need to realize is that when people say that drugs like shrooms arent bad for you, or that they wont hurt you that's not neccisarily true. Every time you trip your conciousness is altered and weather you like it or not that's really the truth. To me it was like living out all the emotions of one life in eight hours (yes eight, I took an 8th of some fairly potent mushrooms my first time) and as you come down it's kind of like the old you dies, and a new you is born, so to speak, your thought process is different and not in a way that's easily communicable. You just stop being you, and start being new. DMT was very weird. They say you have some profound moment in DMT and that just didnt happen to me. Maybe it wasn't enough or what have you but here was my trip. I smoked with a girl I was into for while, she was big into these things, lsd and other things, but I was fairly new only having has tripped acid. Now I might have been curious about DMT but the main reason I did it was just to have done something with this girl, which were the wrong reasons and I would learn this later. But we smoked and we sat there, the two of us, and our friends came out after and sat with us. It's an odd high going in. We smoked a bowl of ganj with it on top sort of like hash. I sat there stoned for what felt like ten minutes but couldn't have been more than two and then I stood up and walked away because I just felt suffocated by how many people were there. Like just the idea of every body present having a consciousness and entire life sort of blew my mind. I walked off behind this tree and shed and looked into this clearing. It was night and this clearing has one entrance which was a gap in the tree line. I had been here many timed and knew it well but staring into this it confounded me. It was an infinite black void beyond the tree line and the trees almost seemed to pull back as the opening became larger. The blackness seemed infinitely deeper and it almost seemed to outstretch toward me like it was trying to reach me. As scary as that sounds it was peaceful. I stood there and just observed and was just witness to my own thoughts. Just as quickly as it began it stopped and the tree line was just a tree line the dark just dark, but my thoughts and what I just witnessed were still there. I tried to make sense out of it but really couldn't. It was just an experience to add to my life, like everything else. Shrooms were different in nature, as to why I did them at least. This was the first time I ever really felt like I was using a drug as an escape. I had become distant from my friends because I started community college and they were still partying and working. We had oppisite work days and when I had a free moment both of them were indisposed. I felt really distant from the people I thought I was closest to and I hated it. One day one of my best friends told me he had shrooms and that I should try them, as I've always wanted to but never had the chance. And we said we would all trip together at least once and he would set some aside for us to do, however they were doing it tomorrow, a tuesday, which I had class on. I decided to skip, for one of the first times really, and spend the night at my friends. The three of us slept but I didn't catch much sleep. I remember my father calling in the middle of the night to ask where I was and I fed him some line as kids always do, because that's all I am really is a kid. We woke up early, about 8-9 and we ate our mushrooms. Me and one of my friends ate all of ours, and our other friend ate some and was going to save the rest as he wasnt sure he wanted all of them that second. The trip came fast and fairly hard and within an hour it was in full momentum. Words can not describe a shrooms trip really. It's just solid.... emotion i guess. You don't know what the feeling is all you know is that you DO feel and that weather they be good or bad the feelings are yours and you just have the abstract thought process to make something out of the gibberish that's going on in your head. We stayed at the house most of the day and enjoyed our trip. Friends came and went, a mutual friend, a friends girlfriend, another friend. The only thing that was really important to me though were the three of us, the amigos. I'm not really ashamed to say it but that day I fell to my vices and used drugs as an escape, just another way to get out of being me. Having to deal with my family and my future and what I need to do all those worries just, bam, gone. That was one of the best days of my life, and one of the only days where I just said fuck it to everyones expectations and did what I wanted to do in that moment. There's really not much to any other drugs I've done, at lest in a spiritual sense. Pills, alcohol, weed. Just ways to get fucked up, get numb.
And so here I am, in my post-acid-shroom-dmt glory. Trying to figure out the man I am, the man I need to be, and why I was so un-okay with the old me. All these problems probably seem like self inflicted issues and they are. That's kind of why I'm writing this. This isn't that speech to keep you away, or to make you think it's okay to do it... just once. This is just one guys perspective after it's all done and the dust is settled. No matter what choices you make everyone is going to have regrets, that's what makes you grown. The things I regret most in my life are the complete lack of kinship with my own family, breaking the heart of the first and only person thus far I've ever been in real love with, leaving DeSmet not because it was too hard and not because I hated everyone but because I was so... angry at everyone in my life and at the fact that what I wanted didn't matter. I feel like I could have been 'that' guy. The college football player, Mr. Popular, hot chick girlfriend and a full scholarship to ride on but I'm glad I'm not. This may be the beaten path and there may be some dangers and some hurt along the way but I feel like I'm working toward what would truly make me happy and not just what's expected of me. I don't really know what else to say right now, I have work in like two hours and might catch some more sleep. If anyone reads this uh. I hope it provides something for you, and anything you have to say I'd love to hear it. Probably going to be doing more of these whether it be here or elsewhere. It's kind of like whispering all of your secrets into an ear without a face, it's the closure without the confrontation and I guess that's why I like this. I'm 6'0 250 pounds and 18 years old, but like I said before I'm just a scared boy who's afraid to let go of the past and move to the future.. like everyone else these days lol.

My name is Joshua James O'Toole and this is my confessional, I guess, take it as it is... but im done with the negative vibes so don't leave anything if it's not sincere.